Seeing our baby girl, Via
After spending some time with my parents Sean went to get Via when she woke up from her nap and took some time to just snuggle her. He brought her downstairs and plopped her down next to me (I couldn’t hold her on my lap because of my c-section). I just held her and put my arms around her and cried. I cried because I love her so much, because I missed our girls, and because our family went from five back to three before Via even got a chance to know she has sisters. Being around Via was the hardest and best thing for me. The hard part was that I couldn’t pick her up, sit on the floor and play with her, or put her to bed or get her up after bed and naps. Every time she called for me I felt hurt and helpless that I couldn’t be a mom to my living baby.
Everyone around me was so supportive and continued to reassure me that it’s all going to be okay (and honestly, it was such a short snippet of Via’s life that she probably doesn’t even remember those few weeks) but in the moment, all I wanted to do was pick up my baby girl, hold her, play with her, and just snuggle her until she fought to escape my arms.
That first day home I was still wearing my hospital bracelet, Via pointed to it and said “baby.” I don’t know why or how she knew that but I just smiled at her and said yes. She never pointed to my belly after coming home and said baby (which she would do all of the time) but she would and still today asks to see my “booboo” (the c-section scar) we told her that I had a booboo which is why I couldn’t hold her etc..
Being around Via was also the best medicine. Her smile, laugh, and just pure joy of life is what kept me going. Of course my heart was fully broken but we were still parents to our first born. I didn’t have an option to just sit in bed all day or crawl into a hole and cry. I had to get up and be a mom to my baby that needed me.
This experience has definitely impacted the way Sean and I look at Via and how we parent. We are constantly reminding each other and ourselves of who we were “before” and what is irrational behavior. What I mean is that we both have found ourselves wanting to go down the “what-if” path.
Because something so awful happened to our girls, what’s to say that something couldn’t happen to Via? This is a very slippery path which is why we talk to each other by acknowledging these feelings and then reminding each other that Via is her own person, she’s healthy, smart, and strong, and we are doing a great job with her.
It’s definitely more me, as now when she’s sick or acting not quite herself, I have to actively allow myself an appropriate amount of worry. I am not sure when this will go away or if it ever will, but I will continue to remember that I want her to try things in her own way and if she gets hurt, we will be there to help, guide, and love her.
Via forced us to laugh and smile and I think she was a huge part in bringing both of us back to life.
I will just hold her a little tighter or breathe her in a little deeper as I read her a story and give her snuggles before bed. I don’t cry everyday anymore but being a mom and holding your baby, sometimes you just can’t help the tears.
