Coming home to our new reality
Sean and I are talkers! We love to talk to anyone but especially to one another. The car ride home was the most silent we’ve ever been. We listened to music (though I don’t remember any sounds), stared out the window, cried, and talked about our shitty new reality.
When we got home, Via was sound asleep taking her afternoon siesta (nap). This gave us a chance to just sit with my parents, hug them and cry. We were all just sad. Our hearts were broken. Minimal words were exchanged but they didn’t need to be.
My mom is so emotional and always has been. Truthfully I never understood it until I became a parent myself. The second you become a mom you find this love for your children that you didn’t know existed. I bring this up because as sad as my parents were for our situation, I knew they were hurting double because Sean and I were hurting.
Being home was weird. I wasn’t pregnant, didn’t have our babies, and was stranded to the couch. We were not alone for the first three weeks and I am so thankful for the friends and family that didn’t give us the option to be alone. They took action, visited, provided us with an outpouring of shoulders to cry on, food to eat and ears to hear our jumbled thoughts and emotions.
The day and weeks following were ultimately a blur, especially looking back. I went through a ton of emotions and feelings daily. I told the story of our girls so many times and cried at different parts each time. I feel like people wanted to know what happened and how I was feeling but sometimes were also afraid to ask, because they didn’t want to upset me. I can tell you now, that when you’re constantly in a place of hurt, the tears aren’t the only classification of pain.
It is strange as I don’t know when I stopped crying everyday or when the consistent pain in my heart let up. I assume this change was gradual since I can’t recall a day or moment when I feel like things shifted. This doesn’t mean that I am now fine, or over it, or better, as I don’t think that’s something that will ever happen. But I can truly smile and laugh and genuinely be happy in other areas of my life and simultaneously be sad/ think about and miss our girls.
I have found myself crying at concerts, with friends, in therapy, and while writing this blog. I think it’s important to allow the emotions to come when they do and embrace them, let them live, and then help them leave. I don’t have time nor do I believe the girls would want me to just sit and be sad and let life pass me by. They were peaceful on my chest when they passed and I know they’d want Sean, Via and I to live our lives with the enthusiasm, love and optimism we did before we lost them. They were strong and would want us to be as well.
It’s weird though...people often tell me I am brave, strong, and say they don’t know how we are getting through this. Honestly, I’m not sure how to be anyone besides me so thank you for noticing those qualities and reminding me that I can be brave and strong, because there are so many days where I just don’t feel that way.
I am so thankful to have my rock of a husband who knows me better than I know myself and allows me to not only be me, but to continue to feel all the feels whenever they come slap me in the face. And I am thankful for our little spunky firecracker, Via, who’s excitement and curiosity alone is something to live for! Every day is new and I just take it as it comes.
