The beginning of our loss
It was Wednesday, January 11th, 2023. For all intensive purposes, it was a normal day at home. Via and I were hanging out and Sean was out of the house working at a shared space. It was when Via and I had been playing in her playpen when I started to feel abnormal.
I thought, “Were these just regular contractions or were these different?”
I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to alarm Sean so I went about my day and started making dinner. I had been feeling contractions here and there and felt them early on with Via so I didn’t think anything of them - until I felt them in my back. “This is odd, I haven’t felt contractions in my back before…”
Sean got home and could tell that I was concerned. He suggested I sit, relax and drink some water while he finished dinner. On Tuesday, the day before this, we had a regular check in with my doctor and he told me I should have ZERO tolerance for any pain or discomfort that feels out of the ordinary. Because of this Sean insisted that I just call my doctor.
The on-call doctor went over a list of other symptoms and decided that I didn’t need to come in immediately but did want to schedule me for a cervical ultrasound the following day. She said, if I couldn’t sleep or if the contractions became more frequent or painful that I should pack a bag and come in. Thankfully, I got some sleep. Little did I know that would be the most sleep I would get over the following four nights.
“Buzz, buzz -” it was Thursday morning at 6:30am and I woke up to my phone vibrating. The on-call Doctor that I talked to the previous evening was calling to check in, express her happiness for my ability to get some rest and confirm my ultrasound for later that day. Thursday started off great, until the Ultrasound, when my whole world began to crumble.
Via and I hung out in the morning. Sean, Via and I went out to lunch at one of our favorite food trucks, ate tacos and enjoyed each other's company. Sean and I sat on his office floor talking as he took a break from work in the afternoon. It was a wonderful Thursday morning and afternoon. Via was napping and I kissed Sean goodbye as I took off for what I thought and hoped would be another normal ultrasound. It wasn’t normal.
After having so many cervical ultrasounds (with Via and the twins) I knew what numbers were good and what things were supposed to look like. They always started with a regular ultrasound where they look at the babies, let you go to the bathroom, and then do the cervical ultrasound.
I’m sitting there with my legs spread and a wand inside me as I stare at the screen. Immediately I knew something wasn’t right. Typically when you look at a cervix it looks like old school black and white tv static. Sometimes you can see the top of the baby's head but for the most part it just looks like TV static. The tech started measuring things and all I could look at was this black space that was breaking up the static and wasn’t there a week ago. I was scared. Something felt wrong and my heart started pounding.
I asked what she saw and she hesitated. She took a breath and told me that it looked like I was dilated to 2-3 cm but she was going to go ask the radiologist to confirm. I knew she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to say those words. When something happens like this (anything other than typical) they call your doctor to see what they would like you to do. My doctor asked to speak to me personally.
He didn’t mince his words. He said I needed to go to Labor and Delivery immediately, gave me his cell phone number and told me I would see him in the morning. He was wrong. I wouldn’t see him in the morning. I’d be in the Operating Room in the morning. I’d be hours away at a different hospital in the morning. I’d still be in disbelief.
