All of the feelings
The pressure of wanting to feel “normal” again vs trying to make sure I was mourning “enough” was a constant battle I had and have with myself. Most days were the same; constantly having a conversation with myself that goes something like this “I feel good, should I feel good?” OR “I’m sad today, should I be happy?” or “How the fu*k am I supposed to feel today?”
At the beginning, this was the toughest emotional hurdle to overcome. I wanted to make sure I was doing right by my girls and honoring them, remembering them, and showing how much I love them. I also knew I needed to move forward. I knew that I was going to need to open myself back up to happiness in order to be me and to allow myself to start planning to get pregnant again.
In grief there is no timeline. I am told often that people can’t believe this happened to us. As I’ve stated before, there are no right words to say unless you have actually experienced this kind of loss and even then, a hug or act of love is usually best since everyone grieves differently. I am not shaming anyone for making comments, as I think most people don’t know what to say and by default, with the best of intentions, say the wrong thing.
My wanting to feel “normal” was me looking for how to just not cry everyday. I wanted to teach myself how to see joy, how to love and how to accept what had happened. I am not sure when this stopped being a self debate as some days I still battle with myself and ask, “Am I doing enough? Am I remembering them? Am I living the life they would have been proud of? Am I doing a good job with their sister?”
But eventually, these thoughts and questions started taking up less and less of my mental space.
Because of these initial feelings and wanting to learn how to be me again, Sean and I went to therapy about four weeks after losing the girls. We decided to go together as I wanted to really make sure we were both processing all of our feelings and understanding that we both were grieving separately. I wanted to give space to understand what that looked like for each of us.
In couples therapy we realized we were actually communicating better than we ever had and I think each session brought us closer and helped us better understand one another's grief.
We graduated from couples therapy but I wanted to continue seeing someone myself.
I was already thinking proactively. I felt that Sean and I were doing well together and he was really there for me through all of the moments/feelings I’ve had thus far. I would say that the main reason for me wanting to find a therapist was to have someone on my journey as I get pregnant again. I wanted to establish care with someone prior to me getting pregnant when your hormones and emotions are already fully fucked, but adding on the trauma of what happened, I am anticipating being a hot mess!
All of the emotions and feelings I’ve felt so far are all things I can understand, rationalize and even ground myself around in the moment. That said, I have no idea what it will be like when I get to carry another baby. Throughout these past eight months, I have had a lot of firsts. As I’ve gone back to my OB’s office, near the hospital where I was told I’d be airlifted to another hospital, my emotions have gone through peaks and valleys. I feel lucky that I am not an anxious person by nature as I know these peaks and valleys of feeling anxious would be so much worse. The first time we drove by the hospital Sean and I were having a conversation when I fully blacked out, my heart was racing, and I was frozen to my seat. This lasted about 30 seconds before I pulled myself out of it. I didn’t say anything right away but told Sean later. I don’t remember why I didn’t mention it immediately but reflecting on that experience, I knew I needed to find someone to talk to in preparation for getting pregnant again. I am going to do my very best to stay as calm as possible as I know that will be healthier for both me and the future baby, but I also know that sometimes feelings just come out and slap you in the face. Therapy can help you slap them back.
To bring it all back, I think I have found a new normal. I feel pretty great on the day to day with yucky and happy sad moments sprinkled in. I am trying to take care of myself a little more than I used to and trying to be present with those I love as much as possible.
I know this next stage (getting pregnant) will come with all sorts of mental and emotion challenges but I feel ready for it all. Going forward, I invite you to join me and keep reading as Sean and I begin our journey to get pregnant again.
