1 year later

Trying to get pregnant is exhausting.  Your emotions are everywhere and the mind games persist all the time, positive and constructive.  It’s a lot. Instead of focusing on enjoying intimacy, you’re habitually focused on what day it is, if you're surging or not, and if this will be the month that it actually works. When it doesn’t, it’s devastating. 

I have written and rewritten this post many times over the last few months as my journey has continued. I think every time I went to edit this post, I kept hoping I would be pregnant and therefore continued to postpone sharing. 

Then October 7th smacked me in the face. Even though I am dealing with my own shit, I didn’t feel it was anything in comparison to what Israel and the Jewish people are experiencing, so I held off.  The holidays came and went and I still wasn’t pregnant. I figured the first of the year would be a good time to get back at it. Again, I was hoping to post my story with more exciting news, especially now that it’s been one year since the loss of our precious baby girls, Montana and Parker.  I so badly wanted and almost needed to be pregnant for this time. But I’m not.  It’s been more devastating, frustrating, and all consuming than I ever thought it could be. I’ll continue on, because that’s what I do.  I’ll continue planning, looking at my tracker, loving my husband and waiting for the positive test result. 

Let’s take a look at my journey as I’ve attempted to get pregnant for a third time…

On Monday, June 5th, 2023, I went to see my doctor for a follicle check. Before you ovulate the eggs grow in little follicles. In order to get pregnant, your follicle/egg needs to be a specific size. If it’s too small or too big you won’t get pregnant, EVEN if you are consistently ovulating and having regular cycles. The reason I went in for a follicle check is because when I was trying to get pregnant with Via, we ended up figuring out that my follicles were not maturing on their own. Once my doctor realized this, I took Letrozole (which is a drug to help you ovulate / ovulate correctly) and on the second try we got pregnant with Via. When trying to get pregnant with the girls, I didn’t do any initial testing, I just jumped to taking Letrozole since we knew it worked previously and boom, it worked again. 

When you take Letrozole or Clomid (a sister drug to Letrozole) to help you get pregnant, it increases your chances for multiples. Now, just because you have more than one strong follicle that doesn’t mean any or all of them will become fertilized, but it obviously increases your chances. 

Now, when I went into this follicle check, I was not expecting good news. I was expecting my doctor to say I didn’t have any good follicles and I was going to need to start Letrozole if I wanted to get pregnant.  I was in pure shock when he found a really great follicle on my left ovary. My last two cycles had been 26 days. You can get pregnant on a 26 day cycle but it isn’t ideal, as the egg may not be mature enough to become fertilized or if it does get fertilized the length of the luteal phase (phase after ovulation) may not be long enough to allow for implantation. So, our plan going forward was dependent on this follicle check. 

My doctor told me we were clear to jump into IUI or to do whatever we wanted this cycle (IUI, try naturally, etc.). IUI is Intrauterine Insemination.  Essentially, the man ejaculates into a cup, the sperm is cleaned and then inserted directly into your uterus. This makes it easier for the sperm.  Instead of millions of sperm taking the journey they’re put right into the hot zone (Sean’s terminology, not mine).  Because I went into the appointment so convinced we were going to need to take Letrozole again, I honestly didn’t know how to feel hearing that we may not need to. Taking the risk out of having twins (you can’t do anything about identical twins but fraternal you can sort of control) just instantly took some weight off my shoulders. 

Try number one and I didn’t get pregnant. I was hopeful because I felt myself ovulate and then I had some cramping between ovulation and when I got my period. That wasn’t normal for me so I wondered if maybe the cramping was from implantation. Turns out that even though I wasn’t pregnant, the progesterone (vaginal progesterone potentially can elongate your cycle = extending the luteal phase) worked and my cycle was 29 days which is perfect since I ovulated on day 15. There’s so much science in getting pregnant and if you are simply trying “naturally” to get pregnant, you only have a 5% chance each cycle (this is not what we’re told when as kids)! 

I then went in for a second follicle check on July 3rd. I had another great follicle. This was great news as it was on day 12 of my cycle but the fact I didn’t need any of the drugs yet continued to take some of the pressure off. As much as I felt ready and wanted to be pregnant again, I couldn’t help but also feel nervous and anxious about actually seeing a positive test. The emotions of being six months postpartum, grieving the loss of the girls and then deciding we were ready to try to grow our family had my emotions all over the place…to say the least.  

When trying to get pregnant it’s hard not to get excited each month.  This is especially true when you feel that you put in the effort. Then, as you start getting closer to either being pregnant or starting your period, you second guess every symptom. Am I moody because I’m pregnant or is this just PMS? Am I more tired because I didn’t sleep well last night or am I pregnant? All of the pregnancy symptoms are the same as the PMS symptoms so we (women) drive ourselves crazy overthinking every little thing our body is doing. 

On my third cycle we did IUI. I was feeling like I was now really ready to be pregnant. 

I didn’t get pregnant…

We tried three more times and nothing. This is where you overthink everything. Did we have sex on the right days? Did I wait long enough before peeing? Does that even actually matter? Did I drink too much wine this month? Did I work out too much or maybe not enough? My friend is also not pregnant so is it something in the water? Did the trigger shot work, or did we do it too early or too late? Was I too stressed about what's happening in the world or my daughter potty training and the drama of the holidays? What can I do differently next time to help my chances?

These are just a few of the questions that are consistently running through my mind. Trying to get pregnant is supposed to be such a fun and exciting time and it just feels like work. If I was 26 vs. 36 I could take a break and just have fun. But when you’re working against the clock of time, it’s hard to chill out and not overthink every little detail throughout the month. 

Sean continues to be an amazingly supportive husband and reminds me that none of this is my fault. I can hear the words but it’s hard to believe them. This is my body and it has one job and it's currently failing at performing that job. I have to continue to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and there must be some reason we aren’t pregnant but with each month, I can’t help but see my hope meter tick lower and lower.   

Now that it’s been a year since losing the girls, I realize I want this and maybe part of me needs this right now. I have been extremely emotional this holiday season. I think I was distracted over summer. We were living an entirely different summer than anticipated (we thought we were going to have twins) and summer in Bend is truly the best. We were out constantly with friends and enjoying all that Bend summers bring! But as fall and winter show up and the holidays come and pass, a time where I knew there would be lots of family time and snuggles inside, I am having trouble holding it together on the daily (probably a slight dramatic, but more often than not). I miss our girls and wish they were here. I know Via would be the best big sister and I am sad she doesn’t have them here either. I know that this is allowing us extra time to just enjoy Via as she is growing, changing, and discovering new things daily. This little mouse wheel that is in my brain is constantly spinning from one thought to the next and I just hate how challenging getting pregnant can be. I hate it. 

I continue to feel so grateful for the village in our lives. The people who have continued to check in and not be afraid of what reaction asking may exert, thank you.  I appreciate knowing you haven’t forgotten our girls or let the memory of them fade. I truthfully can’t believe this year has come and gone so quickly. I know I need to stay hopeful for what our future holds but some days that’s easier said than done. 

Stay tuned as we continue to share our journey to build our family.